sforchagothers
thenexttiyouetyoursignificantotherorevensooneyouagine
thath
yousharednyoftheiortantetionalexperiencesofyouryounglifebutyearspassedandyoulosttouchyouhadnoideawhereyourfriendhadgoneoneday,aybe
youareatasocialfunction,suddenlythereheisyouareshoories
andaffectionyoursupandallyoucan
thinkis,“itsyou”
hispersonyoufeelexcited
anddelightedandgratefulandetionalallatthesati
noeyouetapersonorpersonswhoare
iortanttoyou,especiallylovedonesordearfriends,createthissafeelingandactasifyouareredisveringthefteratoolongabsence,asifyoularing,
“thereyouare”treatthesespecialpeopleasifseeingtheakesyouincrediblyhappysleandbeat
thefotreatthesif
theyostiortantpersoninthethis
ntnotterheyare,theyhinkthatyou
areanincrediblychagperson
chapter5
thegic
oflistening
raptattentionisthehighestforfflattery
dalecaegie
yourabilitytolistenion
uchasanyotherskill
youdeveloponeofthestiortantqualitiesofaleaderistheabilitytogatherinfortionbyaskingquestionsandlisteningcloselytopeoplehavetosay
danielgolen,authorofetionalintelligence,ncludedthatyourabilitytonnectetionallyhpeople,youreq,isasvitaltoyoursuccess,andperhapsevenreso,thanyouriqhedefinedthestiortant
16
thegiflistening
qualityofeqas“eathy,”ortheabilitytobeawareofandsensitivetopeoplesayandtheyreally
an
hoyhasdefined
thisqualityas“socialintelligence,”edat
theoutsetofthisbook,isthehighestpaidandstrespeofintelligenceinoursocietyandfortunately,itcanbeleaedjustbybeingagoodlistener
fourkeystoeffectivelistening
everybook,artiately
estothesanents
ofeffeastertheyour“charbr >
quotient”diately
1
listenattentivelylistenhoutinterruptinglisteninpletesilence,asifthereisnothinginthehatisreiortanttoyouatthisntthanthe
otherpersonissaying
ifsoonee,
iediatelydisntinueallotheractivitiesandgivethatpersonyourpleteattention
tuoffthetelevision,shutthebookoewspaper,andfocussinglendedlyontheotherpersonissayingthisbehaviorantlyregnizedandappreciated,andendousetionalpohenversation
tolistenasifyouaretransfixedbytheotherpersonissaying,igihatyoureyesaresunlasandyou
aregivingthepersonsfaceatan
thepo
entlylistenedtobyanother,heis
affeicallyhisbrainreleasesendorphins,
natures“happydrug,”akeshieelgoodabout
hielfhisselfesteeoesupandhelikeshielfreaboveall,helikesandtrustsyourebyvirtueofyourlisteningattentivelytohithepayoffisextraordinary2
pausebeforereplyingratherthanjuinginassoonastheotherpersontakesabreath,pauseforthreetofivesendsallooexistjustrelax
goodfirst,youavoidinterruptingtheotherpersonifheisjustpausingtoreorganizehisthoughtsbeforentinuingsend,bypausing,youtellthepersonthathesaidportantandthatyouarensideringitcarefullythisreinforcesthepersonalvalueofthespeakerandcauseshioseeyouasareattractiveandintelligentpersonthird,youactuallyheartheperson,notonlyhesaid,buteant,atadeeperlevelofndtryit
onceandsee
3
questionforethatyouknow
exactlyeantbyhesaidinstead,
helphioexpandonhisstrecentrerkbyasking,“hoean”or“ean,exactly”
hereisoneofthestiortantrulesofnication:thepersonionshasntrol
thepersonanshequestionsisntrolledbythe
personaskingthewhenapersonisspeakinginanswertoaquestion,fully100percentofhisfocusandattentionisonheissaying;hecannotthinkofanythingelseheistotallyntrolledbythequestioner
thegiflistening
thetriingsoonehthistechniqueisto
askyourquestionsthoughtfullyallgreatnicatorsknohisanduseitregularly
4
feeditback;paraphraseitinyourohe
acidtestofeffectivelistening,theproofthatyouwerereallypayingattention,insteadofengaginginthe“phonylistening”thatissontoday
whenapersonfinishesspeaking,youpauseandsaysothinglike,“so,youjustdidthis,andthenthishappened,andthenyoudecidedtodothat,right”
onlysthatshesaid
andantdoyountinue,eitherbyaskinganotherquestionotingonhasjustbeensaid
enareeners
ingeneral,enareexcellentlistenersalreadywhenaannicates,acrdingtoiscans,fullyseven
en,itisonlytwo
noftenlistenhalfheartedlytoen,especiallyifthetelevisionisonthatsbecausencanonlyprocessonesensoryinputatatitheyple,both
eoneelsespeaking,
enoreeasily
theancantaninhis
lifeisnottolistentoheran
hasheardtheanaccuse,angrily,“yourenotlisteningto”
thetypi”
thenshehasyoushefoldsherarandasksdendingly,“allright,thendidijustsay”
thepo
itisonlyifhecanfeeditbacktohereaccuracythatsheknohatheening
foryoutobeeapletelychagperson,you
stleatosterthetechni
